Inner Conflict: What Caused me to Live in Fear

Inner Conflict

Did you ever experience an inner conflict?

Has it forced you to live in fear?

I hope you all are in the pink of your health like me. I am so thankful to God for this beautiful life he has given and for all the many blessing in my life.

My life was not always beautiful. Sometimes, it was filled with dark moments and has given me different kinds of experiences so far.

Abused by Someone

I was very young (just 12) when I was sexually abused by someone known to my family. It took me almost 6-7 years to tell anyone what I’d been through.

Back then, we used to have water problems often as most of us have not had water connections except the NMC one. One day, we had lack of water at home and we needed to fill it from somewhere.

So, I went to the neighbor’s house with my aunt (we have joint family) to fill the water. Colony’s other people were also there who had come to fill the water along with that uncle. A man who used to live in our neighborhood and I used to refer him as uncle.

I was waiting for my turn and he was just standing behind me with his both hands on my shoulder. I let him keep his hands on my shoulder because I used to treat him as my uncle only. But who knew what his intentions were!

Suddenly, he did something that was so strange to me and I was just stumped for a moment. Then, I twitched his hands back and ran away towards my home. Everyone was so busy in filling the water that no one has noticed what had happened.

Living in Fear
Living in Fear

Living in Fear

After that incident, I lived in constant fear. I had to deal with different emotions that came to the surface. I was scared about what I would do to him if I saw him again.

That uncle used to visit our home on occasions and like every other parent, my parents used to ask me to great him. At times, I used to manage to great him in anyway and other times I did not. Instead, I used to neglect him and used to run away from there.

That tended to question my parents on my behaviors that “it’s rude” and it should not be done. This was the thing that not even my family understood and it was not actually their fault, what they could have done. They did not even know about what I was facing and from what situation I was going through.

Looking back, it feels like I lost my childhood in some way. It was the incident that impacted my life in certain ways. As I grew older, I stopped going out alone; be it school, tuition classes, shopping, hangouts, you name it. I used to hesitate to go alone anywhere. I began to develop self-destructive behaviors and had low self-esteem. At times, I used to hit my siblings and cousins too.

When a child is suffering from an abuse, this is common. Children suffering abuse develops a range of self-destructive, maladaptive, and antisocial behaviors. And the same has happened with me. In fact, I became aggressive in nature since then. When someone doesn’t understand my thoughts and words I still became aggressive at times.

My Inner Conflict

My school journey was not easy at all. I fought with my inner battle inside all alone! As I started my college, even though many things had changed over the years, I still had low self-esteem, fear of going out alone, etc. And you might agree with me that “no one would like to live that way,” I too didn’t want to.

I knew I had to do something about this. I focused on keeping my fear at bay; I fought with my different emotions. I started with small things and did hard struggle to kick those things off. Holding in everything was such an effort, so I decided to share this incident with someone and I shared this for the very first time with my sister. As I started narrating the story to her, I burst into tears and believe me, I felt a lot better after that, after sharing my memoir with her.

And now, I can happily say my hard work has paid off. Over the years, I have learned to love myself. I am far more confident in who I am now. I love being me “Mai apni favorite hu.”

Bring You Peace
The Inner Conflict

Conclusion

My message to anyone out there who has experienced something similar is the following.

Just don’t keep it to yourself. Speak up about it because speaking and talking about our experiences helps us to make sense of our feelings.

Never give up, because scars can heal, and life can get better. Mine has. It may take time, but you can heal no matter what you have been through.

Don’t forget – “You are stronger than you think!

Blogger: Preeti Gaur

Blogger Bio: She is a Medical Language Specialist by profession. She considers herself a lifelong learner, a career woman and a dreamer. Along with that, she is the author and editor of “Scenario of Life.” It’s a personal/lifestyle blog in which she writes about all things beauty, relationship, family, health, experiences, hacks and tips, and DIY recipes.

Blog link: Scenario of Life

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This Post Has 43 Comments

  1. You provided a very good information John. The article was helpful and made me realize what I never knew before.

  2. Well, I guess there are deep reasons why my friends depended on others way too much.

    This story reminded me of them.

  3. I appreciate the vulnerability and honesty of this post. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through something like this. It breaks my heart. I pray that anyone who has or is going through this ordeal understands that they are worthy and that they can speak out. Living in fear is the worst feeling but accepting it, leanring from it and not letting it define you is a true testament of strength.

  4. Bravo for sharing your story!! You are absolutely right that we need to speak out and talk about it and that will start the healing process. I fell privileged to live in a time now where women are speaking out about the injustices against them. The more we talk about it the more we can put an end to it.

  5. Thank you for sharing your story. You may not realize it, but you’re also helping other people heal by being vulnerable and open about these things. Thank you again!

  6. Yeah, you never know… there might be something to that, something that is hidden.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    Preeti

  7. Hey Angela,
    I am thankful for your kind and supportive words. I completely agree with your reflections and conclusions. I truly feel people really need to speak up about such things.
    Thank you for taking your time to read my story.

    Preeti

  8. Hello Kirsten,
    Thank you for your thoughtful comment. There are so many people who are in deep pain and suffering, who needs a healing. And I believe it’s time to stop being offended; instead one should confess it for the betterment of oneself.
    Thank you for stopping by!

    Preeti

  9. Hey Sandra,
    I really appreciate the comment. Thank you for reading my story.

    Preeti

  10. Hello xocrystalnicole,
    Your encouraging words mean a lot. Thank you for dropping by!

    Preeti

  11. This is so well written and so encouraging for those who have experienced similar life conflicts. Well written! Thank you

  12. Most of us have similar stories, and that involves being preyed upon by someone we trusted. I, too, experience this at the hands of a family member whom I no longer associate with. People who have not been there do not understand the lifelong implications. Thank you for being so transparent with your story. It heals others in ways you never imagined!

  13. Wow this is powerful – I relate to this on so many levels. 2017 has been a tough year for me, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you continue to push through as well!

  14. I found out similar stories of friends that I have known for years, but I have never learned this part of them in person, when the #metoo posts were going around awhile back. It breaks my heart for this to ever happen to anyone (especially to children). Thank you for sharing your story. You have become a strong woman.

  15. so brave of you to let the world know what you went through. very powerful and well put. i was overwhelmed as i read this

  16. For some reason, we think it is a sign of weakness when we share our fears and frustrations. I have learned that holding everything in is not good for you. Letting the people that are close to you know what you are dealing with will bring you such relief. Thank you for sharing your story.

  17. It’s so brave of you to share your experience. I can’t imagine how awful that must have been. I’m just so glad you have pulled through and become wiser for it!

    Rachael Hope

  18. It is always good to share from where you have been to where you are now. Congrats on her milestone.

  19. I admire you for sharing about that experience. I think most parents missed the signs when abuse like that happens and with your sharing, I know this could be of help to make people be more empathetic toward others especially if we are not aware of what they are going through. I hope you get justice out of this.

  20. Good Story, I never had that kind of experience!

  21. After experiencing something so terrible, it is common to feel inner conflict and fear. Thank you for sharing for others who need guidance.

  22. Wow!! Really enjoy reading your sharing here. Definitely a good reminder for myself, learnt some thoughtful points here 😀 cheers, siennylovesdrawing

  23. That’s too bad. Unfortunately there are so many people like your “uncle” out there.

  24. There seems to be some unwritten code that victims of abuse whether of domestic or sexual kind adhere to. They don’t speak out until years after. I am glad you found the courage to speak and to heal. You are indeed strong person.

  25. I am so glad that you came out and share your story. Sharing your story always help you moving on and getting over it. Great advice there for everyone to share their stories. Great post.!!

  26. Preetri, this was beautifully written… so open and real. Thank you for sharing. Your words are inspiring and will help so many others going through similar feelings! <3

  27. Ya. Most of us too have had some not so pleasant experiences. Inner conflict is something that we can all relate to. hope we can handle it better too!

  28. Being vulnerable is hard sometimes, so I appreciated this post. Thanks for sharing.

  29. Preeti, you are right, you are never alone whenever you need to reach out. Even if you think it is stupid, it might be super important. It is important to speak up!

  30. I really really appreciate the openness and honesty of this post. This really resonated with me because I have lived in fear for a long time for a few reasons. I had something really unfortunate happen when I was 13-16 that has directly affected my entire life since then. I can also really appreciate how you said you finally learned to love yourself because that is something I have just started learning to do.

  31. That was a scary event that I pray would not happen to anybody in the family. It’s quite depressing that a person could do that to anyone esp kids.

  32. I hope this article reaches all women who have suffered from any type of abuse or violation. We need to speak up, you are right, we are never alone. Thanks for sharing such a raw and honest story.

  33. this is something most indians and sri lankans face. Abuse start from someone in the family. I can say i can relate to this. it is sad that i didnt have the chance to speak up at the time. Speaking up will help a lot.

  34. It requires a lot of courage to share such unpleasant experiences. More than that, fighting with your inner fears is a victory itself. It is disheartening to know that kids face these issues without knowing the consequences. It really impacts their overall mental health. We, as parents should be more approachable and understanding.

  35. What a great post from you. This is so depressing to read. Despite of all things that happen in your life. you remain strong and brave. so proud of you.

  36. Oh goodness what an ordeal. I can really feel your emotions in here, sadly we don’t always get to have an ideal life experience. But I am so glad to read that in the end you were victorious and have conquered your fear and have put the past behind. You are brave! Thanks for this inspiring post.

  37. This is, unfortunately, not very uncommon in parts of India where I grew up. In public transportation, on the streets, from someone “know”…I hate it and agree that speaking up makes it better

  38. The article could be very helpful and useful for letting people realize what they don’t know before. Your emotions are really important.

  39. I agree with you..the best way is always to speak out and share…there are do many who face this situation at homes and in neighborhood and keep quiet suffering all their lives… perpetrator of such crines going Scot free..
    Thank you for such a beautiful expression

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